


i keep on dying to fit in

by transzoemurphy



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Burning, Chew and spit, Drugs, EDNOS, Eating Disorder, Marijuana, Self Harm, Self destruction, binge eating, body image issues, canon typical language, chsp, hey nadia canonically has body issues tm, meaning she’s like…HIGHKEY likely to have an, neurorexia, osfed, she gets high
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 22:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17989478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: nadia has an eating disorder and knows exactly how she’s gonna spend her friday night at home





	i keep on dying to fit in

**Author's Note:**

> bathroom stalls don’t lie kids i’m back! on! my bullshit!!!!  
> anyway wow of course my first bare fic is .,,.,this mess of angst.   
> tw for binge-eating, ed stuff, chew and spit, self harm, etc etc :’)   
> im so sorry yall  
> but for real... take care of urself. idk. drink some water or smth

Nadia McConnell kind of really hated herself.  
She’d gotten a job at the ice cream stand down the street, because naturally if she was going to be 190 pounds, she was going to choose a profession that worked around food.  
She’d been at her job for four weeks, and, as a celebration of her second paycheck ever, she’d brought herself to the local Target.  
She was in the candy aisle, like any self respecting EDNOS-sufferer would be, buying candy after candy. So far, she’d amassed Peanut M&Ms, gummy worms, sour gummy worms, ginger chews, Twizzlers, Twix, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Almond Joy, and Monster (the trail mix, not the drink). She’d also grabbed a bag of wavy Lays chips and a box of doughnuts.  
She stared down at the foods she’d gathered. She’d tell the cashier that she was having a party, maybe.  
Nadia pushed her cart back towards the front of the store, grabbing a huge bottle of Diet Coke just to keep up appearances, and she threw a bag of balloons in as well. She grabbed a lighter, too, maybe to burn herself, maybe to smoke some weed, maybe both. This was California, the cashier would probably assume she was just a stoner.  
She pushed her cart up to the checkout line and smiled at the girl behind the counter. Nadia watched herself almost from a third-person view as she mechanically put everything on the belt.  
One might wonder why she was here, buying a ton of candy and pretending it was for a party.   
Nadia had just discovered the art of chewing and spitting, a type of disordered eating which allowed her to taste food without consuming more than 5% of its calories. And by God, Nadia was going to utilize this.  
She went through the motions of buying the food, but she wasn’t thinking about her actions. She was thinking of the repercussions of what she was about to do.  
As someone who had struggled with one eating disorder after the other for most of her life at this point, Nadia had quite a bit of information about the human body. She knew how the digestive system worked especially well. She figured that if she ate a little bit before she began chewing and spitting, the stomach acids created by the food consumption her body expected would have something to do while she spat out the rest of her food.  
…God, she really was gross.  
She thanked the cashier and left, piling her shit in the front seat of her car and driving home. Her parents would be pissed to find her in her room at 10:48pm chewing and spitting, but sitting in her car for a while to do it would piss them off too. She thought it over and decided to do it in the bathroom, and maybe she’d take a shower to make her alibi less of a lie.  
When she got home, she carried the bags quickly up to her room to evade “what are you doing” questions, collapsing on her bed and looking over at her and Jason’s shared bathroom. Jason was probably asleep now, as she couldn’t hear the sound of him calling his school friends or listening to the radio.   
The bags were heavy, not with food or weight-wise at all, but with guilt. She looked both entrances to the bathroom and sat down criss-cross, trying not to think about how much she fucking hated herself.  
She cracked open the M&Ms first — they were peanut, and peanuts had protein, so they were kind of healthy, right? — and ate three of them, forcing herself to swallow, before beginning to chew with the intent to spit.  
She chewed for too long and ended up inadvertently swallowing the M&M. Huffing, she tried again. It took her three tries, but she eventually got it right.   
Nadia smiled to herself, as she’d finally managed to cheat her body’s system. She began chewing one M&M after another, before she finally couldn’t take it so slowly and shoved several in her mouth at once.  
She’d been chewing each bite twelve times but that seemed a little much, so she only chewed until she’d gotten the taste and then spit out into the bag.  
When she finished the peanut M&Ms, she put the bag they’d come in inside of her spitting bag and ripped open the gummy worms.  
These were harder to chew without swallowing, but Nadia managed, massaging the ache in her jaw as she finished them off after ten or fifteen minutes.  
She moved onto the peanut butter cups, and just tried not to look, because they looked really unappetizing after they’d been chewed. She’d stopped trying to chew eloquently and just went as fast as she could, riding out the wave of needing to eat right now and tricking her body into thinking she was complying.  
The Monster, too, she chewed at a worrying rate, only barely pausing to mumble “fuck” when she bit her tongue. Next up, she decided on the ginger chews, to slow herself down a little, and she’d gotten through two before she decided they’d make good substitute meals. She put them down and took out the sour gummy worms.  
These were easier to chew than the normal gummy worms, due to being thinner, but the sourness burnt her tongue and she went for the less-abrasive Almond Joy next.   
By this point, Nadia had entered a type of trance in which she only cared about eating everything in front of her, just eating eating eating.  
She opened the box of doughnuts, and twelve of them stared up at her, and she took one hesitantly and employed the same technique.  
The room smelled sickly sweet and Nadia could feel the sugar on her teeth, so she took a swig of water from the sink before continuing on the doughnuts.   
The doughnuts ended up taking longer due to their volume and the amount of powdered sugar that Nadia inhaled and choked on by accident. She moved onto the Twizzlers, chewing each one into a mush before spitting them out.  
She ended up not eating the Lays chips, as she’d had enough abrasion on her tongue for the day, and instead bit into her Twix, the binge winding down.  
The gravity of the bullshit she’d just put her body through only hit when she looked up at the clock and saw that over an hour had gone by, and noticed the sharp ache in her jaw.  
She grabbed her toothbrush and scrubbed out all the remaining sugar and half-chewed food, spitting out into the sink before pulling back her hair and giving herself a long, hard look in the mirror.  
Nadia regretted that. She didn’t want to look at the chocolate smeared on her face or the breakout she could feel coming on. She didn’t want to see the rolls of fat all over her body. She just wanted to disappear.  
She decided to put her lighter to good use, holding out her scarred arm and messing around with the lighter until it lit.  
More gently than the situation called for, she pressed the flame to her skin, jerking back a second later, as one does when their skin is burning. But she did it again, and again, and again before grabbing her weed from behind the box of tampons and lighting up a cigarette.  
Was she actively destroying her body? Probably, yes.  
But did she care?  
At the moment, not really.

**Author's Note:**

> op has been craving an entire box of doughnuts ever since he wrote this :/  
> if u wanna follow my t*mblr it's @trans-zoe-murphy


End file.
